Duane Newton 0:06

Hi, welcome to Navigating Your Path. I'm your host Duane Newton, and I'm grateful that you're joining me for this episode today, part two of "Starting My Journey". In the first part, I shared how I reached a point in my career as a lab director where I actually felt miserable in my role. Not because the profession was not valuable or important, but because I felt like I wasn't in the right place for me any longer. I told you about the aha moment I had, where I realized that I was not in my element in that role. Over time though I've managed to navigate my own path to being more in my element. Today we'll dig a little deeper into the steps that I introduced the last episode, which helped me to get there. I call them the "Five Steps to Becoming Your Authentic Self". So let's get started. Step one is to get out of your head and into your heart. I know that it's sounds kind of weird and maybe a little unusual in our community, particularly one that's very technical and scientific, to talk about something that's encouraging you to be more heart led or tapping into your emotions. But I feel like this perspective shift is really essential. In my experiences, the thoughts in my head were what was keeping me stuck. I've always been one to spend a lot of time in the space between my ears, thinking about what I needed to do, what I was supposed to do, how to make sure it all came out right. This point in my story, 12 years ago, where I'm directing the micro lab at Michigan-- prestigious institution, my professional responsibilities were monumental. I was doing what I was supposed to do, what I was trained to do, doing it well, and attempting to be more invested. But I have to be really vulnerable here because it's really hard for me to say and admit this part. But in my heart, I was having a hard time being completely invested. I wanted to care, but it was heavy. It was effortful. I had to try to care. I know that I actually did care, but I still didn't want to be there. I felt like I'd given everything that I had. Maybe you've been there before. You've been in a situation where you felt like you were doing all the giving. Your bucket wasn't getting filled in return. I wondered if people could tell. I was doing my best. I kept smiling. I kept doing the important work, but it still didn't feel right to me, and I knew things had to change. As I listened to my feelings more, it was clear that what I was feeling and what my head was trying to make happen weren't matching up at all. I was finally realizing that there was misalignment, but I was really struggling to figure out where to go and what to do about it. What I did next though was something that always came naturally to me. I started talking to people, which brings me to step two of becoming your authentic self. Connect with trusted people. At that time, I didn't know what I wanted or what I needed, so I started to connect with people professionally. I was really trying to figure out how to stay at U of M, so I focused on talking to people there. I set out a lot of professional guidance and support from many, many people in leadership positions at U of M, clinical people, administrative people, research people, educational people. Trying to see if there was something in, in one of those areas that might be more inspiring to me. In those conversations, I knew I wanted something different, but I was really having a hard time articulating what it was. I didn't know what kind of role was attractive. I didn't really even know what was out of alignment for me. As you might imagine, the people that I was talking to that was hearing this from me, didn't know how to help me. I was bouncing around these conversations like a pinball, and at times I felt more confused and frustrated than when I started. At the same time, I was beginning to have really hard conversations with my then wife. Those conversations mirrored the experience I was having at work. I didn't exactly know what I wanted or needed, but I knew I wasn't happy. I couldn't articulate my needs and she didn't know how to help. I was so frustrated. I had this wake up call during that conference that I told you about, that aha moment. I knew I was out of my element and I'd made the decision to fix it. I was trying to find my element, but all I was finding was brick walls. This feeling of not being able to fix what was wrong with me, had me feeling lower than I'd ever felt in my life. I felt like I didn't have anywhere to turn, and to be perfectly honest, it was really scary. I knew that I needed to dig deeper to really understand where these feelings were coming from and what mattered to me. I knew I needed professional help to do that. Fortunately, the university had an employee assistance program and I'd used a therapist there once in the past, but it wasn't a good experience. I was skeptical, but decided as a last ditch effort to sign up for a session with a different therapist. I wanted someone that I could talk to who could be objective. I wanted and needed a place where I could feel safe talking about everything that was coming up for me. O ver the next year, my therapist helped me unpack the underlying beliefs that we identified that were keeping me stuck. She helped me understand the root causes of the feelings and help me clarify my vision for actually making changes. What I was starting to realize through all that work was that my unhappiness was coming from a misalignment in my goals and values in both my personal life and my career. Trying to work on what was happening in my personal life, I knew was gonna take a long time, and I moved a lot more slowly there. In my professional life, I decided that I needed support in discovering my next career move, so I hired a career coach who helped me identify and articulate my values. We strategized on really tangible goals to pursue that would be more in alignment with those values. Through that work, I started to feel like I could see a path that might lead me more towards being in my element. When I reflect on that process of choosing my trusted people to connect with, I see a really messy start that eventually turned me to seeking professional support. These professionals helped guide me. I, I think of them as wayfinders. They were walking next to me and helped shine a light on what truly mattered for me. In hindsight, I realized that in those initial conversations with the people at U of M, I was hoping that they would magically have an answer, kind of present it to me on a silver platter, but I ultimately realized that the true answers were coming from within. I realize and I wanna acknowledge that this might feel overwhelming. Your situation may be different, your misalignment may be different. Your list of wayfinders will look different, but just know that the process does take time to sort out. It's not something that shows up on a silver platter. You know, it's taken me 12 years. The first thing is to start. Make connections. Listen to what they have to say. But for step three, trust your intuition. The answers are within you. Others just help bring them out. Some of the info that others provide does help. It did help me, but I learned that my body's response to that information was what was of most value. I realized that this may sound ridiculous to you and, and I didn't believe it either. I had spent so much of my life seeking external validation and approval from everyone else. It's really taken me years to reorient myself inward. When I first started getting connected and talking with people about the things that felt wrong about my life, I was seeking external information. Some of those conversations offered really valuable information, alternative paths, different perspectives, upsides and downsides of different options, and even suggestions of additional people to connect with. All that information and additional connections were really, really valuable, but it was my body's response to the information that was invaluable. What I've learned is that these interactions have helped me and will help you validate your assumptions and perceptions. They can also help you see alternative perspectives, alternative views, options and considerations. While that reassurance is comforting and advice from trusted people is meaningful, the true value lies within your intuitive response to those interactions. As I began working with a career coach and a therapist and even a spiritual advisor, I began to really notice how my internal reaction, my body's response to the information, was the most powerful information that I could access. As I started to recognize my responses to the conversations I was having, I realized that I had very little practice in listening to that voice, trusting my gut, and and really believing in myself. Maybe you've experienced that. Have you ever been in a situation where you were maybe interviewing for a job and it just didn't feel right? Or you started dating someone that you knew wasn't a right fit, but on paper they looked like the perfect match. Or maybe you've even walked into a room and something just felt off. Through coaching and experience, I realized that I needed to reorient myself inward and tend to that information, knowing that those answers on what was the right path, what was in alignment for me, were all inside of me. Once you start trusting your intuition, you'll start to get inklings and nudges to try something different. This is where you actively start moving along the path towards your most authentic self. You start putting one foot in front of the other, taking risks and getting a little uncomfortable. This brings me to the next perspective shift that's necessary for an authentic life journey. Step four, take risks. You have to start doing stuff that scares you. You have to get out of your comfort zone because that's the only way that growth happens. If you stay on that well-worn path that you're very familiar with, you end up back in the same places that you've always been. You have to get off that path. Sometimes it's into weeds and thorns, but you need to do that in order to grow and find the places that you really want to be. This is a hard thing to do, but you can build resilience to accomplish it by starting really small, embracing the little failures and the misses, and celebrating the wins. I have this really awesome picture of a sunset over a lake, about a half an hour north of here. I took it from the deck of a friend of mine who had a house on that lake. And it's really, it reminds me of the value of taking risks and, is the end of a story that I wanna share with you. If you're watching the episode on YouTube, I'll put the picture up there. It's really gorgeous. The sun's going down. There's pinks and orange and yellow and blue. And it's really a magical, magical picture from a place that actually had a huge impact on me. So I want to rewind a little bit and tell you how I got there. In the middle of all of this turmoil and uncertainty that was going on in my professional life, I decided to spend more time taking care of myself on a physical level and added cycling to my, workout regimens in addition to running. And I started, working out with a triathlon group and, wanted to get better at cycling and diversify my workouts. And also learn more about places to cycle and get better at riding. And so I, I did that over the course of a summer and the more I was working out with them, the more people that were part of the triathlon club were beginning to encourage me to check out that sport. Triathlon is swim, bike, run, at various distances and I was getting comfortable at, at cycling. I'd always been good at running, but I was a terrible swimmer and that's how I responded. I can't swim. And their response was, nobody can swim. Everybody hates it. Just do it. And, I felt a little bit, more uncomfortable with that. But what I really felt uncomfortable with was in recognizing the fact that t riathlons, you're swimming in open water. It's not like swimming in a pool. And I'd never done any of that. And, it was actually very terrifying to me. But the more, peer pressure I guess, that I got, the more interested and intrigued I got in the process of trying this new sport out. So over the winter I decided to put a little more time and energy into swimming and I joined the Y and and started swimming just kind of through brute force, built up some strength and endurance. I got better over time. it was painful, but I saw improvement and I felt like I was feeling a little more prepared for actually being able to jump in the water, in a lake and trying to swim there, which is something that I had never done before. So that brings me to, the next picture, which. is a picture from basically the same spot in the lake, but just a different perspective. And it really represents the before photo. It was taken from the dock in front of my friend's house looking across the lake that the triathlon club would swim at and do open water, swim workouts. And as I'm standing there and looking at it, it's a pretty, petrifying and intimidating picture. It's about a half a mile, across to the other side. And the idea of doing that kind of swim was really what caused a lot of fear and anxiety in me. But I realized, if I really wanted to do triathlons, I, I had to literally and figuratively jump in and try. And so I did. And t he first time I did, I think I swam a hundred yards out, turned around and came right back to the dock. I realized that I wasn't gonna die and, and that I didn't die. And, I tried it again. I went a little bit further that time and I did that a couple of times that day and called it good. Came back, a week later and did it again, went a little bit further and each week would go a little bit further and eventually got to be able to swim, that total distance, total of a mile, half a mile out and a half a mile back. That was a great experience for me. It not only did it introduce me to a great sport that I still participate in, but I had a lot of great experiences and met a lot of great people through that and that opportunity. and the investment in myself that I gave to take a risk, helped me to feel more alive. It showed me that I could do things that I didn't think I could do, and, and I have fun doing it. And really, and very, probably most surprisingly, it became one of my most favorite things to do because we would meet on Monday nights at that guy's house and swim and then hang out on his deck and drink beers and eat pizza and watch the sun go down and really have a great time. I never would've had those experiences had I not jumped in Because I jumped in. I felt success with little goals. I felt unstuck. I felt alive. I started to feel more comfortable trusting my intuition, that I would be okay, that I could accomplish the things that I wanted to. Triathlon became my metaphor for accepting discomfort and being able to have success when you do that. Now, the story isn't over. I've had lots of career and personal changes, but when I feel out of sorts, I'm able to find my alignment much more quickly. It's an active process for me, and I definitely know that it is and I am a work in progress. I know that o nce the journey has started that, that journey to authenticity, it's never finished. Which brings me to my fifth and final step, step five. You have to enjoy the journey. Authenticity is the key. The whole point of the journey is living an aligned life. It absolutely requires regular check-ins and the courage to realign, but the goal isn't happiness without struggle. The goal is living in alignment and appreciating the experiences that you have. By doing this, I've started to experience a deeper sense of appreciation and gratitude for what I have. Not only the beautiful experiences and amazing people that I've met, but also the challenges those challenges, they give me information. They tell me what's working and what's not. I do my best to remind myself that those obstacles are often opportunities and failures are a sign that I'm still growing. Because I've made these changes, I now feel like I'm doing things my way. I don't feel chained to or constantly seeking the validation of others. I know that it's not easy because it's an old habit, it dies really hard and it requires regular practice. I'm working to be less obsessed with outcomes and society's typical success metrics, having it all figured out, knowing how it'll end. I feel like I'm more aligned with what truly matters to me. I feel like I'm myself. I have an increased sense of personal value and self-worth. It's an ongoing practice, but I'm truly learning to love myself. Rather than chasing outcomes, I'm spending more time paying attention to the journey that that journey of self-discovery, exploration, and growth. Through that, I'm getting to authenticity and I'm recognizing that I have more and more feelings of contentment and peace and calm and centeredness and wholeness. That's where I want to be. It's hard some days, but over the last year especially, it's been hard, but when I'm having a difficult time, I know I need to look for what is misaligned. So if you're feeling stuck, if you're feeling disconnected, disappointed, and maybe even a little hopeless like I was, and, and I know that I can still get, I'd invite you to make these changes and reorient yourself. Get out of your head and listen to your heart. Connect with trusted people. Trust your intuition though. Take risks. Take risks to grow and enjoy the journey.

22:43

I know that this has been really heavy stuff, but I felt like it was important to have been a little vulnerable and share it all so that you could see that each of us have challenges and pivot points that impact how we navigate our own path. These five steps were really important for me to unravel as they become really foundational for me as I show up in my professional and personal lives. Recognizing and understanding how I show up has been critical for me as a leader. It helps me to build on and leverage my strengths effectively. And it also helps me to identify where I might not be doing as well and have opportunities for growth. Importantly, though, this self-reflection has helped me to understand and appreciate how others are showing up, and that's allowed me to be more effective and connecting with others, building effective teams, and leveraging the individual strengths to accomplish our goals. I hope the message resonated with you. And you found some nuggets that will help you on your journey. If you're enjoying Navigating Your Path, please be sure to like or subscribe wherever you get your podcast. If you'd like to directly connect with me, you can reach out via my podcast email, which is listed in the description of this episode. It also contains links to the podcast website and YouTube channel where you can check out more of my content. Feel free to reach out if you'd like to share any comments or make suggestions about future topics to discuss. I'd also love to hear if you have any suggestions for people for me to interview or even if you'd like to be interviewed by me. You can also contact me if you'd like to learn more about what I do as a professional development coach. I look forward to having you join me next time. Take good care.